All is fair in Love and War.... Right?
Picture This: Once upon a time, guy meets girl, takes one look, they fall in love, decide to get married, and live happily ever after. The end. Perfect Fairy Tale right?
Now Picture This: People meet, in person or online, they start talking (usually through text or online chat), they "fall in love," and at some point they decide to move forward and live together or possibly get married, five years later give or take a few years they're headed to divorce court. Happily ever after?
Too often, two people will meet and "fall in love" (technically that's not love, its just a bunch of chemicals in the brain and hormones in the body) and decide they are soul mates, absolutely perfect for each other in every way. Can two people really be perfect for each other? Is there really someone out there who can complete you? There are unrealistic expectations about love, marriage, and romance in today's world. All of these things are put into people's minds from the time they are old enough to sit in front of the TV. Yea, it's fun to meet new people, get to know them, maybe flirt a little. But to just jump right in to a relationship? I don't think that's a good idea.
My mom always told me to know the person for at least a a year before making permanent plans for the future, i.e. marriage. She didn't necessarily mean be dating the person or engaged to the person for a year, but to know the person in all "seasons of life." Literally... winter, spring, summer, and fall. In my opinion, my mom is an extremely smart woman. She and my dad have made it to almost 25 years of marriage all the while caring for my mom's invalid parents, raising six children, two of which are adopted, going through lay-offs, life-changing health problems, homeschooling and everything else that goes along with raising kids. Are they perfect? No. Do they fight? Sometimes. Do they love each other? Absolutely.
But what is love really? Is there a definition for it?
Merriam Webster defines love as:
- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
- affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
- an assurance of affection
- warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
- attraction based on sexual desire
- affection and tenderness felt by lovers
While those are tried and true definitions, which ones are really enough on which to base a marriage? True marriage worthy relationships are based on compatibility and companionship. I believe that is the problem with today's society. Instead of beginning with those two things as the foundation, people begin life-long relationships purely on physical attraction/sexual desire or the euphoria feelings of "love." Statistics have shown that the euphoria feeling or the "warm fuzzy feelings" as i've heard them called, only last about 16-19 months. After that first year or two, then what happens? Today, society has deemed it ok to say I dont love you anymore, I want a divorce. Just like that, everything is over, problem solved, committment is dissolved.
"Two people should never complete each other, only God can complete someone. God completes, people complement each other."
~Author Unknown~
So if compatibility and companionship should be the basis of a true relationship heading towards marriage, how does one go about attaining that? What exactly should relationships look like today. After talking with an older mentor, I took the advice he gave me, and began thinking. He said instead of watching a movie in a theater, watch it at home and relax, be able to talk or add comments. Instead of wasting 3 hours and about $20+ in a movie theater go volunteer at a rescue mission, or take a walk, go hiking, have a picnic, the possiblities are endless. (He really said go climb a rock wall, but I expanded on that one). Do things that actually get you thinking about aspects of the other person, that brings questions to mind, or puts flags up if something isn't right. It will help you find things out that you probably never would just sitting in the movie theater. A fun thing I've done with friends before is watch random youtube videos, or live recorded comedian shows. These sparked interesting discussions to say the least, as well as got us laughing and relaxed. Another idea of his was instead of spending money eating out all the time, have a little fun and make dinner together. Go the whole 9-yards. Together, make a menu, go grocery shopping, cook everything together, set the table fancy if you want to, and do the dishes together. What could usually be deemed a boring mundane task, can quite easily be turned into a fun, relaxing evening together. His second huge piece of adivce was talking. Not just text, or online, but actually talking face-to-face, or over the phone so you can see their face, and hear the inflections in their voice. Don't just talk about what happened that day, or problems with friends. Look at a newspaper together and discuss one of the articles. Talk about ideas in one of the books you've been reading. Sometimes silence is nice, but if you sit there and cannot think of a single thing to talk about - there is definitely a problem.
That first initial spark of attraction can be a wonderful thing, but it is not enough to start thinking marriage. Don't have expectations when you start talking to someone. Go into things thinking: "on the other side of this, if I have a new friend-great, if I have something more-great, if I dont have anything - am I worse off than where I am now?" Not really, unless you have your hopes set on it being more. But there's the problem, that is having expectations.
Forget the fairy tale romance, it simply doesn't happen. We're never really satisfied by someone else anyway, because they're not perfect and neither are we. That's how God created it to be. We shouldn't be able to be completely satisfied by another person - emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I believe He purposely created us that way; otherwise, we would have no need for a relationship with Him. Get rid of unrealistic expecations that movies, books, tabloids, and the internet put in your mind. Begin as friends, have fun and be yourself. If more is meant to be, then it'll happen.
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