Toeing the Line Part 3 - The Pyramid

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The pyramid becomes unbalanced.

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Yes, you may pray together, and do devotions together, church, Bible study, and you can talk about anything and everything under the sun. You’re connected deeply through emotions, feelings, conversations. But all of that will quickly turn into a downward spiral if there is no physical bond. This is where a lot of marital problems come into play. There has to be an equal balance of the physical, emotional, and spiritual. As another writer said, the physical connection is a sign that the hearts should also be connected.

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I had a couple friends ask me in the past if God was going to break their relationship up because they were doing a lot of physical stuff. (First off, I’m not God, so I can’t answer that 100% for sure if they’ll break up or not). For me, I don’t believe that God is sitting up in heaven waiting to snap His fingers and ruin our lives every time we screw up. Our God is a God of mercy and justice. If a relationship fails, it is not strictly a result of the physical aspect. More often than not there is another issue. The “balance” has been upset. If a couple is solely focused on the physical part of their relationship than the other two areas will begin to fail. This begins a downward spiral of destruction for the couple. I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve had it happen to me. It’s not worth it.

So what do you do when you stub your proverbial toe in the relationship? So you’ve tripped up, and realized you’re in a little too far physically, do you cut out all physical aspects cold turkey? No, that’s probably not a good idea, because then your focus will be on getting that aspect back instead of balancing out the rest. Once you’ve done it, its hard to say no the 2nd and 3rd times around. If you have the lights off, and you stub your toe on the coffee table; do you get rid of the coffee table? Cut off your toe? No, you turn the lights on for next time. Turn on the lights in your relationship! Once you’ve figured out which aspects of your relationship are not up to snuff, be conscious of the fact.Figure out times to talk, times for physical and times for spiritual.

Pray together. Pray for each other.

But one of the worst things you could probably do for your relationship is cut out any and all physical closeness. Its not healthy. Men and women were meant and made to interact. Get comfortable around each other. If you’re looking towards a more permanent relationship (i.e. marriage), then gradually as the wedding day draws nearer, you can increase the amount of physical closeness. But the most important is to BE COMFORTABLE. Not only with your significant other, but with yourself as well. Its a gradual process. It won’t happen overnight. Take time, make it fun. 

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Preview Part 4: I heard “Jane” say her fiance told her she couldn’t rub his neck anymore, but especially when they were alone, because he couldn’t handle it. He was going to lose control if she didn’t stop, and they might go too far.” Rubbing his neck would make him lose control? Does he not have any self-control at all?

 Watch for my next one in the series… “Toeing the Line Part 4… Self-Control.”

Toeing the Line Part Two - Stubbing Your Toe

The church and church leaders have ingrained it into young peoples’ minds that the physical aspect of a relationship is a stumbling block. That is, until that magical moment when the “I DOs” have been said, and the rings have been put on. Then its this wonderful time of happiness, love and ecstasy.

FALSE

If it is hounded into us, over and over again for 20 plus years, that physical closeness is a sin. . .

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How in the world are we supposed to re-program our minds into thinking its okay on our wedding night?

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I have a friend who told me the only thing she and her now-husband did before they got married was hold hands. Worst decision ever she said. It wasn’t necessarily their decision alone, but pressure from their church and family to abstain from any type of physical contact prior to saying “I Do.” During this conversation she said it took them almost a year to feel comfortable with each other, and for physical closeness to be natural. This is NOT how God designed it! Your wedding night is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, exciting, and YES sexual! (If I offend you, I apologize, but this is a fact of life).

The church PARENTS need to be teaching young adults and teens that physical closeness is OK within certain limits, and as long as you keep it in balance. Holding hands is NOT going to make a baby. Hugging is NOT going to make a baby. Get real people.

A wise person once told me that relationships are like pyramids. The relationship is the top point, and the base is formed of three things: physical, emotional, and spiritual. If these three things are not kept in equal balance, the pyramid (relationship) will fall. You cannot have a successful relationship with only two aspects.  Its a stumbling block. It is NOT a stumbling block, unless YOU let it become one.

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Check out Part 3 — The Pyramid

Toeing the Line - How Far Is Too Far?

“How far is too far?”

You have to admit it… its the most frequently asked question and hottest topic discussed in Christian circles today.

 

All throughout middle and high school it was hounded into me by my church “do not cross the big black line.” Because once you cross the line, you’ll never be able to go back.

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First off, this post isn’t going to tell you what is and isn’t okay to do in your relationship. It is not going to say where the black line is. I am in no way an expert on relationships or sexual relations.

So here are my ramblings in paragraph form.

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The black line does not exist. You may be thinking, oh my gosh what is she thinking?! False. It doesn’t exist. There is no “BIG BLACK LINE” that fits every single relationship out there. There is a lot of gray areas between being a completely chaste virgin, and having had sex. That “black line” statement, I have discovered, is a ploy that “Christian” leaders use to scare kids into complete chastity. These so-called leaders of the church aren’t teaching their kids how to live in the real world. From what I’ve seen, once these kids come out from under that authority, they go crazy and do everything under the sun (including but not limited to: sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.). I would really like to know if these “Christian leaders” speak from experience, or if they’re just speaking.

My thoughts on the black line in your relationship is this: You need to figure out what your convictions are. Let me go off on a rabbit trail here… by your convictions… I do not mean the guilt that was laid on you growing up by parents, pastors, youth pastors, youth leaders, church. This isn’t what your parents believe, or your pastor, or your friend. I’m talking about what YOU believe. Your beliefs. Your morals. Your convictions. One of my friends gave me some excellent advice last May. She said “in your last year of college, figure out the friendships you want to last; deepen them. Make memories, have fun, and make your faith your own.” That is what I’ve been trying to do since then. Discovering why I believe what I believe. Making my faith my own.

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Each person is different. Each relationship is different. The physical connection in each relationship will have different dimensions, and different levels of attraction. You can’t let other people dictate your relationship. Once you’ve figured out what your line is, you need to discuss this with your significant other. If they don’t respect it, then run. Run hard and fast.

If you’re in a relationship that is heading towards the “long-term aspect”, the “happily ever after part”, the “til death do us part” part; okay, okay. Marriage. Then you definitely need to talk about what is and isn’t okay for you. I had a discussion with one of my friends who has certain things that they will not do, in or out of marriage. If this isn’t discussed prior to saying “I DO;” there are going to be BIG problems. For instance, some people in the more conservative realms believe that oral sex is a sin no matter what. Whether it occurs inside or outside of marriage. If you and your significant other are not on the same page, go see a counselor. Get good pre-marital counseling, get good post-marital counseling. Right Away.

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I know many couples on both sides of this spectrum. Couples who have had pre-marital sex, couples who waited for everything, couples who explored the gray areas. Most of them have lasting relationship that I believe will succeed in the long-term.

Another false-hood that young people believe today is that physical intimacy will be a stumbling block. Or that it will ruin their relationship. Its true, there is a fine balance that, if not properly kept, will most likely ruin a relationship. However, physical intimacy is not the problem, there are other underlying issues causing the relationship to fail.

~ Coming soon… Toeing the Line Part Two – Stubbing Your Toe ~

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